Forgiveness and Stuff

To my sweet children...to the two boys I have OUTSIDE my body and to the little man that is growing inside me. God has been revealing some great stuff to me lately, and I had the thought today....that I want to make sure that the one thing I get right as your dad and I raise you, is to make sure I tell you and teach you about God and his son Jesus.

You know, I try so hard to make your birthdays so special, and to have fun everyday...and to teach you how to write your name or sing your ABCs, and to take trips to the zoo, to have fun family days, to sing, to play, etc...I usually feel inadequate in all of it and compare myself to other moms to make sure I am doing you a good job.

But, I have to make sure that the ONE thing I pass along to you is that you believe in Jesus. I have to make sure that I make this #1...that I show you what I have learned...what daddy has learned and how God is still teaching us through what we go through and the people we deal with.

The last six months have been a lesson for me in forgiveness. I have been thinking about how to write this and how to "sum up" what my experience was. Here are the nuts and bolts...because if I forget to tell you this story in the later years, I want you to have a record of what I learned...

Through our work, we have had some frustrating people to deal with. And the offenses seem to keep growing. Over time, my heart started growing bitter....my dad (your Papa) told me that I needed to ask God to help me deal with my bitterness. That stung my heart...but I knew he was right. And I did ask God (half-heartedly) to help me...and I saw the bitterness lessen, but still heavily there overall. Another frustration came and there was my bitterness again...because I still had more to learn about forgiveness.

I can't tell you all of the details to the story in this post, and it doesn't truly matter. But, the idea is the offense left me feeling beaten and left for dead in the street. You know...I have forgiven many people over the years. But, usually under the terms of someone asking for my forgiveness, and then me saying, "Yes, I will forgive you." But, I have not had to forgive someone who hurt me, may still be trying to hurt me, or didn't care they hurt me. Now, that one is harder....

So to make a really long and amazing story short, my dad came to me and said...."God wants us to go make this right....to reconcile...to forgive..." Huh??? Okay, dad..I know you are right but gosh this stuff is hard! So there my dad and I sat, we made a list of the verses in the Bible where God asks us to forgive, to reconcile...no matter what. You know, it didn't say that they had to deserve it. Matter of fact, it said that we had to forgive 70 times 7 times. Funny thing is that after about 2 forgivenesses, we're impatient. Or at least I am.

The most amazing part is that my dad was showing me, at 31 years old, that we BELIEVE our Bible is truth. Not only do we believe in it, we must "believe" by acting on it. And since our belief is so strong, we do act! Even when we don't feel like it, even when they don't deserve it. We do it because God commands it!

I started thinking of all of the relationships in my life where I had shown "conditional" forgiveness. The one that came to mind first was with your dad in our marriage. God used this incident to show me that although I may not "believe" Greg deserves my forgiveness, it doesn't matter....I don't technically deserve my salvation, not in any way at all.

This forgiveness was amazing! God used this to shake me (in a good way) and I hope to never forget it. And I want to make sure I pass this on to you boys. The other day we were decorating the Christmas tree and Sutton broke a special ornament Max had made for us as a little boy. Max was devistated...literally, he told Sutton "you broke my heart". And Max, you really meant it. You were heart broken. But, God reminded me about my lessons in forgiveness and it was so cool! I told Max that it was okay to be upset....but that God wants us to forgive Sutton...even though we are upset and it doesn't feel like he deserves our forgiveness. I was so thankful that I had truly experienced my new understanding of forgiveness. I saw the rage and anger in Max...and through our talk, I am hoping that I taught him a small sliver of forgiveness. I hope that in weeks, months and years to come that I will be reminded to tell you more.

So, Daddy and I may not get this parenting thing perfect....actually, we'll probably screw up lots of times. But, I want to be transparent with you in our faith and to teach you what God says.

Guys, I love you and just wanted to make sure I wrote this down so that I could share it with you. I can tell you the whole story...and about how scared I was to "forgive". My knees were literally shaking....but we did it! And God has healed my heart.

Love you,
Mom